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Golf Jokes

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good pint of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing
Left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain,
The snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable
Tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before
Taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the
Phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement
Between two golfers .....neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how
Badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out
And slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss
Every green. The next day you go out and for no
Reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the
'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously
It won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged..
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

“Madame fortune teller, tell me: Are there golf courses in heaven?”

”I have good news, and I have bad news.”

”What’s the good news?”

”The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”

“That’s wonderful, but what’s the bad news?”

“You’ll be teeing off at 7:30 tomorrow morning.”

The Golfer and the Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.! I have two buddies sitting

out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the

anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I

don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very

brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill

the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show

him."

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

Golf Murder A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golfs all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "I know. And can you believe my stupid husband is actually out there golfing?"

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

" Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand." Yes?" asked the instructor.

Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the

groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take

all day, is it?"

A golfer, well known for his bad temper, entered the pro shop and plunked down a wad of money for a new set of woods.

The staff was all anxious to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - convinced he would come in and demand his money back. Much to their surprise, the next time he came in, he was all smiles.

"They're the best clubs I've ever owned," he declared. "As a matter of fact, I discovered that I can throw them at least 30 yards father than my last ones."

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. When the man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said,

"Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"

The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet baby!"

Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

20 Golfing Laws

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle.
When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways
into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard
2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the
temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I
see you were a golfer, is that correct?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

Dave and Clyde had finished their round of golf and were relaxing in
the clubhouse.

"I don't know about that new golf pro," said Dave. "He may be a
little strange."

"Why do you think that?" asked Clyde.

"He just tried to correct my stance again."

"So?" said Clyde. "He's just trying to help your game."

"Yeah, I know," said Dave, "but I was standing at the urinal at the
time."

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-
shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over
the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee
back up to the men's tee, please!"

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption.

Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly
back up to the men's tee!"

Murray had had enough. He breaks his stance, lowers his driver back
to the ground and shouts, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse
kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

He'd been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods.

On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake.

On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked.

"I've never had an old ball," he said.

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

After church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?

"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."

"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed
from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help. " she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up
his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and
you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come
and help you."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

" I told you not to worry." he said, while taking a practice putt....."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

At a public golf course four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.

The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball to the left. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.

As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."

One more and I'm through.

George was sitting in the bar after playing what must have been a difficult 18 holes because he looked like hell.

Ed comes up and says: "Gee George bad day?"

George says: "Well you know I've been playing with Harry every day now for a long time. He had a heart attack on the 13th hole."

Ed responds: "That's just terrible no wonder you look so bad."

George says: "Yeah the rest of the round was hell. Hit the ball drag Harry, hit the ball drag Harry."

Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said.
"Hey, guess what?! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The second golfer replies, "Great trade!"

Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?

Just in case they had a hole in one.

Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?

"A golf course!!"

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other,

" My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"

What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf?

It's still your turn!

Ed, George, Harry, and John are standing on the first tee box waiting to tee off. They've been playing together for over 30 years on the same day at the same time. Suddenly a funeral procession goes by and George removes his hat, bows his head, and respectfully waits until it's past.

This is completely out of character so Ed says:

"Wow George that was awfully nice of you to do that."

George replies: "Well it was the least I could do, after all she gave me the best 40 years of her life."

Three duffers were taking lessons from a pro. The first hit it way to the right.
The pro said It's due to "LOFT".

The second hit way to the left. The pro again said is due to "LOFT".

The third trying and the ball just went a few feet and stopped.
The pro said, "LOFT."

All three questioned the pro about LOFT. He replied, "Lack Of Fricking Talent."

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?" she asked the instructor."

P-U-T-T is correct," he replied." P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Golfer: This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!

Caddy: This isn't the golf course! We left that an hour ago!

Golfer: Well Caddy, How do you like my game?

Caddy: Very good! But personally prefer Golf.

Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: I didn't realize you had played before!

Golfer: Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?

Caddy: Oh yes! You miss the ball much closer than you used to!

Golfer: I'm sorry to not tee off today but my Doctor's told me I can't

play golf!

Caddy: Oh, so he's played with you too!

Golfer: My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!

Caddy: I'm sure you'll miss her terribly!

Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

Caddy: The way you play, It's a crime any day of the week!

Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!

Caddy: This isn't a watch, Its a compass!